I do vow, too.
After 38 years, Stan left Dorothy for a younger woman, but, eight years later, they rekindled their relationship and planned to marry again. As vendors prepared Blanche’s Richmond Street home for the wedding, they gather on the lanai with their officiant to rehearse the ceremony.
Father Monroe: OK. Dearly beloved, we're gathered here today to join Dorothy and Stanley in blah, blah, blah, followed by rings, and into the vows.
Stan, reading from a script: Dorothy, I vow to you that my love is pure.
Dorothy, also reading from a script: I do vow, too.
Stan: I vow that my love is strong.
Dorothy: I do vow, too.
Stan: I vow that I will love no other.
Dorothy: I do – my God, Stanley, I feel like one of The Shirelles!
In most cases, I staunchly defend The Golden Girls and promote them as sensible, insightful, and witty exemplars of all the best things in culture, often in contrast with mainstream Hollywood. Here, though, they fall into the Hollywood nuptial trap and use vows for exposition. The vows that Stan drafted communicate his love for Dorothy with hyperbole, but beyond the wildly unspecific (and ironic, considering the first 38 years they were married) “I will love no other,” they lack precision. What, exactly, is Stan vowing?
A sitcom only has 22 minutes to tell a story, so it relies on mainstream cultural assumptions, including what “getting married” means for characters, so it can pique the characters’ and the audiences’ emotional engagement. The point of Dorothy & Stan’s second nuptials wasn’t to deliver an accurate and insightful portrait of a wedding ceremony or the complexities of a marital relationship. Instead, it was a way to fast-forward through an emotional journey that would take real people months to sort through. This kind of exposition is common in Hollywood–TV shows pick up familiar tropes to get audiences from familiar situations to unfamiliar conflicts or satisfying catharses. From The Golden Girls to Schitt’s Creek to Crazy Rich Asians, Hollywood’s goal isn’t an accurate portrayal of marriage: it’s storytelling, and traditional ceremonial forms make that storytelling a lot easier.
Unfortunately, by invoking those familiar tropes, Hollywood also reinforces archaic and damaging assumptions about marriage that, I would argue, rarely align with the values at the heart of those fictional couples and even more rarely align with the realities of marriage. Worse, even the best TV shows and films end up reinforcing damaging archaic assumptions about gender and class and, in my humble opinion, ruin weddings. And from my point of view, when it comes to weddings, Hollywood’s clearest impact is this: Hollywood has ruined vows. How, specifically, has Hollywood ruined vows? Here’s a recent inquiry I received.
Hi! We are looking for an officiant for our wedding. The ceremony will be at 1 pm but we would like to do our long winded vows privately pre-ceremony sans the guests.
This is pretty typical. Whether in a ping like this or in an introductory meeting, couples tell me that they’re either planning to deliver “personal vows” during the ceremony or that they don’t want to do vows at all. Here’s the problem:
All vows are personal.
You can’t get married without publicly declaring vows.
“Long winded” is not a requirement.
They're not talking about vows–they’re talking about Hollywood exposition–and I’ve learned to interpret it as a proxy for how private or how public they are as people. That's super helpful for understanding what’s important to them and the kind of ceremony they want, but it also opens a door for me to deliver my own monologue about how Hollywood is ruining the American wedding.
So, before I really fly off the handle let’s consider: what are vows?
Now, what, exactly, are vows?
Vows are the most important component of a wedding — the thing that makes it a “wedding.” The English word vow derives from the Latin votus, the same root as the words vote and devotion. That’s an interesting trio–vow, vote, and devotion. They all point to a category of promises that are different from ordinary, daily commitments. “Devotion,” whether interpersonal or prayerful, comes with deep emotional and spiritual engagement. “Votes” have been a democratic tool with social, economic, and political consequences for millennia. “Vows” tap into personal, sexual, and communal instincts to effect changes in relationships.
As a word, vow has been associated with solemn pledges since the 13th century CE, including commitments to religious orders, oaths of allegiance to political leaders, and marriage. In each context, vows precede a radical shift in someone’s life, and they are publicly declared for one reason only: to be witnessed. When people declare vows in any of these contexts, they are sharing with the world (or at least the folx in earshot) an internal shift they’ve experienced so that the world will recognize, affirm, and reorchestrate society around the content of their declaration.
When we talk about weddings, vows consist of the public declaration of a couple’s commitment. Witnesses—including officiants, wedding parties, guests, and vendors—aren’t there to complete a tableau and look pretty. They are there to be part of the change in the lives of the to-be-weds. If the purpose of the vows is to announce, “Hey, this is what our life will look like,” witnesses are there to reply, “Cool. We’re ready to see you differently.”
In different places and times, spoken vows haven’t been the only actions that effect marriages. There’s a whole category of ritualized customs that I call “seals”–the symbolic actions that effect a marriage and that give tangible form to vows. Handfasting, donning a ring or bracelet, jumping the broom, walking around a sacred fire or altar–people go to weddings to see a couple engage in some particular action that rewires witnesses’ brains to see the people at the center in a new light or to recognize a couple’s new boundaries, restrictions, and privileges. Seals get the most attention in wedding planning, mostly because they’re the most marketable moments, and we’ll explore seals later. But in the US, spoken vows effect marriages, which means that the public declaration of a couple’s commitment is the thing that gives their marriage legal recognition and social validation. Because of this, vows should be the starting point for designing a wedding.
Why focus on vows?
Focusing on vows gives you time and space to reflect more broadly — on your relationship, on the home you will build together, and on the world you want to live in.
It makes the total process of preparing for marriage and of planning an event more meaningful for you. It gives you time to develop and practice different ways to collaborate and communicate.
It prepares you to make an impact on the people around you. How you marry influences how your guests understand not just your marriage but marriage in general.
Content
Traditional formulas for vows reflect the assumptions of particular religious or cultural traditions about what constitutes a marriage, but outside traditional contexts, the articulation of vows allows a couple to identify the values that shape their relationship. Every couple is different, bound by a unique set of expectations, sensitivities, moral direction, and desires, and it’s important for a couple to have a common understanding of what they’re committing to.
I think I’m being too vague. Let’s break it down:
What’s wrong with traditional vows?
Nothing, if the tradition from which they came is meaningful to you and reflects your experiences, identity, and values. Here’s one version of “traditional” vows:
I, [name], take you, [name] to be my wife/husband,
to have and to hold from this day forward,
for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish, til death do us part.
The first line, a public declaration that “I take you to be my spouse,” is really the only part that’s required. Anything else speaks to a couple’s particular commitments, so it’s a chance to articulate not just what you intend but also how you intend to do it and the values that will shape your life together.
Traditional vows like the ones above or the typical set that we hear in movies and on TV reflect a set of assumptions about marriage that are rooted in mainstream Christianity. If you’re not a mainstream Christian, the idea of having and holding might sound like possession and control. The conditions that follow (for better, for worse…) might sound romantic, but they are a public declaration that, no matter what happens, you’re in it until you die. Using vows like these perpetuates the dominance of that particular worldview (even if it doesn’t resonate with your beliefs) and all of the notions about gender, class, race, and religion that are baked into it.
If you’re not sure what else you could possibly identify as content for your vows, we’ll dive into that soon. But for now, here are some other considerations.
Formats
Vows typically use one of these formats. As you develop your vows, it’s helpful to keep the format you want to use in mind.
Litany: A “litany” is a series of statements or questions read by the officiant or another participant which you will clearly affirm. Yes! I do! We will! Sure thing! Fuck yeah!
Poetic: “Poetic vows” are short enough to memorize or for your officiant to whisper one line at a time, and sweet enough to say what you want to say authentically.
Narrative: “Narrative vows” are longer statements. Each to-be-wed reads a longer prepared statement that is more reflective or conversational in tone.
Combination: You can combine formats in any way that makes sense to you.
To identify the right format for you, consider:
How comfortable is public speaking for you? If it makes you nervous, think about speaking less and using a poetic or litany format. If it induces anxiety, go with a litany.
Which format feels most familiar to you? Both the language and the experience–what feels right? Do you prefer answering questions or speaking on your own? Do you prefer reading off a page or would you rather not be distracted with paper or a booklet?
Do you have a lot you want to say? Narrative vows might feel right, but you can also get a lot into a litany.
Do you not have a lot you want to say? Keep it tight with a short litany or poetic.
Collaboration
It’s also helpful to know how you will collaborate on your vows. What approach feels most familiar or natural to your relationship?
identical: Identical vows are, well, identical. You’re promising the same things and bolstering the same values. Pick identical if you want to emphasize your unity. Writing identical vows requires equal collaboration from start to finish.
parallel: Parallel vows might start with something in common and then diverge, or they might use different language to flesh out common commitments. Maybe you want most of the language to be identical, but you want to tailor it to reflect individual needs or gifts. Pick Parallel if you want to emphasize your complementarity. Writing Parallel vows starts with collaboration but then requires individual effort; it might also require a third party (your officiant, perhaps?) to provide writing support and to ensure parity in tone, length, and content.
different: Don’t do completely different vows. You should know ahead of time what you’re publicly committing to, so collaborate together to identify the specific promises and values at the heart of your marriage. Then go in whatever direction feels right. As will parallel approaches, you might ask a third party to help ensure parity in tone, length, and content.
A note on surprises: This is not the time for any surprises related to the specific promises and values you’ve articulated together. As charming as it was for Patrick to include a few bars of “Always Be My Baby” into his vows to David on Schitt’s Creek, surprises like that work on TV. Unless your partner really, really, really likes surprises, and unless you’re really, really good at delivering them, just…don’t. Otherwise, as long as it’s authentically you, have fun with it.
Delivery
In terms of delivery, vows fall into two categories: public and private.
Public vows: The public declaration of your commitment is required for your wedding to “count,” but how much you declare is up to you.
Private vows: Private vows are not legally binding or socially validating. That said, the practice of privately delivering an expanded version of public commitments before or after (or even during) a ceremony can enhance the experience for a couple and bolster their connection. Even privately delivered, I recommend that couples start from a common ground–for example, using the specific values or promises in their public vows as launching pads. Private vows also allow a couple to be more explicit about their relationship–without Grandma and your co-worker’s spouse watching, there’s no need to hide behind abstractions and euphemisms.
