terms: an updated glossary for talking about weddings
I’m working on a book with a working title of choosing: an approach to getting married. It’s not an event planning guide, as most resources marketed to to-be-weds are. Instead, my intent is to offer a meaningful process to folx who don’t have a tradition to draw on to design their wedding. A couple of weeks ago, I offered a starting point–who are you, who am I, what are we doing here, and core assumptions. My mother frequently said, “Semantics is the problem with the world today,” and with that in mind, let’s start with some terminology before shifting to the most important aspect of a wedding: the vows.
Traditional terms for roles associated with weddings are rooted in European aristocratic and royal court culture, which carry cisheternormative assumptions about gender and perpetuate the damaging “queen for a day” myth, the notion that a bride assumes the authority, attitudes, and attention due a monarch (and by extension a groom becomes “king for a day”). Why is that damaging? Well…at one level, it lionizes and perpetuates the idea of monarchs and inherited rule. At another, it’s intertwined with the assumption that a wedding day is a woman’s highest achievement, perpetuating the notion that the value of a woman is rooted in archaic gender roles. And finally, at a very practical level, it infantilizes people who are making a commitment that reflects and requires social and sexual maturity. It reduces a couple’s unique partnership to fit into ancient (and cisheteronormative) molds.
On a personal note, I really feel that traditional terms limit our collective imagination when it comes to weddings. “Bridesmaids” and “groomsmen” evoke specific images and tasks that are binary gender-specific, bolster uniformity over diversity, and are deeply ingrained in American culture. As social groups and friendships have increasingly become more gender-mixed, some folx have tried to bridge traditional practices with innovations, but anointing the occasional “bridesman” or “groomsmaid,” or a “best woman” or “man of honor”–these are cosmetic fixes, bandaids over the increasingly wide chasm between what marriage means and how we marry. Avoiding those terms altogether allows us to sidestep the deeply ingrained assumptions that might be triggered. That frees up bandwidth to imagine new and authentic ways to honor people who play especially important roles in our lives.
So, to avoid all of that, here’s the language that I use:
CORE ROLES
TO-BE-WEDS or SPOUSES-TO-BE: the people getting married
primary task: publicly declare their commitment
secondary task: design their wedding to reflect and embody their ideal world and their particular experiences, identities, and values
tertiary task: host the event surrounding a wedding
OFFICIANT: the person leading and solemnizing the ceremony
primary task: witness to-be-weds’ public declaration on behalf of the local government
secondary task: facilitate a ceremony
tertiary task: provide additional relevant and qualified support
CEREMONIAL ROLES
WEDDING PARTY: the collection of formally recognized roles that prepare and support a couple through their wedding and as they establish their marriage.
Some specific roles within a wedding party:
LEGAL WITNESS or PRIMARY ATTENDANT
primary task: attest that, where, and when to-be-weds publicly declared their commitment
secondary task: signing a license or other required documentation within or after the ceremony
tertiary task: provide the to-be-weds support as needed
ATTENDANTS and JUNIOR ATTENDANTS
primary task: accompany the to-be-weds for functional, emotional, or moral support before, during, and/or after the wedding
secondary task: represent the to-be-weds’ broader community in ceremonial practices
RITUAL ROLES
primary task: prepare or perform some specific task in the ceremony
secondary task: represent the to-be-weds’ broader community
SUPPORTING ROLES
GUESTS
First task: be present – pay attention to the big things and the little things, especially the values that the to-be-weds are communicating, and engage with the event
Second task: create – bring the to-be-weds’ ideal world to life
Third task: witness – choose to be part of the change in the to-be-weds’ lives
VENDORS: the collection of people providing professional services
primary task: enable the to-be-weds to bring their ideal world to life
CEREMONIAL TERMS
WEDDING: refers to the collection of events surrounding a couple’s public declaration of their vows
CEREMONY: the ritual action at the center of a wedding
TRADITION: a set of formalized or institutionalized practices, beliefs, and norms that inform a person’s or community’s religious or cultural identity
TRADITIONAL: used to describe practices or ideas associated with particular religious or cultural traditions
CEREMONY SPACE: the physical venue for the ceremony
CEREMONY CENTER: the specific space in a venue where the ceremony occurs
CEREMONY COMPONENTS: the discrete actions that make up a ceremony
GATHERING: the moment when the community comes together for the ceremony
ENTRANCE: the formal or stylized introduction of people with ceremonial roles to mark the beginning of a ceremony
PROCESSION: the collection of people making an entrance
VOWS: the public declaration of to-be-weds’ commitment
PRIVATE VOWS: vows crafted by to-be-weds to be shared privately at some point before, during, or after the ceremony
PUBLIC VOWS: vows crafted by to-be-weds to be shared publicly in the ceremony to fulfill the legal or tradition-specific requirements
COMMUNITY VOWS: vows crafted to invite the wedding party and guests to affirm their support of a couple’s marriage
FORMATS: litany (a series of questions), poetic (short and sparse), narrative (longer, more conversational)
SEAL: the intentional or symbolic actions that give tangible form to a couple’s vows and visibly an meaningfully effect their marriage
UNIFYING PRACTICES effect a marriage
BINDING PRACTICES demonstrate social unity
COMMUNAL PRACTICES effect a new community
CONSUMMATING PRACTICES demonstrate sexual unity
TEXT: elements that enhances a community’s engagement with vows and seals, including prepared reflections, literary, historical, or scriptural writing, music, and visual art & decor
TRANSITIONS: actions that keep a ceremony tight and moving, including transitional language (to connect or move between components), preambles (to provide definition, explanation, or context for a particular practice), and formal entrances & exits (to clearly mark the beginning and end of particular components or the ceremony itself
ADJACENT CELEBRATIONS: events that prepare for or proceed from a wedding ceremony, including announcements, engagement parties, showers, stag & hen parties, gathering events, receptions, next-day gatherings, honeymoons, and anniversary observances
